Practice What We Preach - #1 Saying Sorry

This is the first post in our "Practice What We Preach" series, exploring how parents can model the virtues they hope to see in their children.

At a Glance

We spend a lot of time teaching our children to say sorry, but do we hold ourselves to the same standard? This post explores how our reactions reveal what is filling our hearts, why repentance should be visible in family life, and how genuine apologies can help build a home marked by grace, humility, and forgiveness.

Do We Hold Ourselves to the Same Standard?

As parents, how many times have we told our children to say sorry? Either to us the parents, siblings or friends and strangers. It could be anything from snatching, hitting or just not being very nice/ listening to rules. 

But a reflection for ourselves is, how quickly do we notice what our children or spouse needs to apologise about while easily justifying ourselves.

So do we actually tell ourselves to say sorry to our husband or wife and children? And if that is something we do, how often do we follow through?

Arguments and grumpiness are a part of human life but how we reflect and deal with them, especially the aftermath, is very important. 

What Are We Teaching Our Children?

The Christian faith is a perfect example of needing to repent and learning how to be reconciled to the Father. We all know in a theological sense that we must repent of what we have done wrong and Jesus came to die and rise again for our wrongdoing. But do we know how to live that out in our everyday lives, especially in our homes? The saying “Do what I say, not what I do,” rings in my ear but we should very much try to live by example so our children can and want to do what we say and do. Especially when it comes to repentance and confessing our sins (wrongs). 

In marriage and parenting, there are often times when disagreements and arguments arise. They are sometimes a result of miscommunication, unchecked emotions, and sometimes sadly, because we just feel like exploding and don’t reflect on the correct way to do this. 

"We should very much try to live by example so our children can and want to do what we say and do."

Arguments make everything worse, but there is a morbid, messed-up part that sometimes makes it feel better: slamming a door, calling people names (internally and externally). Of course these are lies the enemy tells us but lies we may often buy into (I know I do if I am honest). 

So how can we calm down and be held accountable, demonstrating to our children that their parents have made a mistake and showing that we love one another? The worst thing in the world is to have your children think you don’t love one another, or them or even Jesus as you don’t walk the walk in loving Jesus and living according to his will. 

What Is Filling Our Cup? 

It could be something as simple as making the wrong breakfast, or a child having a tantrum or not co-operating with bedtime, which leads to an explosion. This is something we can all face.

We have seen a really telling image of this in a concept shared, if we remember correctly, by Abbie Halberstadt (mother of 10. She has some really great insights; find more at misformama.net).

The picture is this: if you have a cup and someone bumps into it, something inside could spill out. But what comes out is the important part. You will only have something spill out if that is what has filled it. 

If you bump a cup full of water, water spills out. If you bump a cup full of coffee, coffee spills out. So what is in our cup? Often when people get into an argument or come across as very snappy it is due to something bad filling the cup, like pride, fear, impatience, anger, and many other things. 

As a quick side note I believe when I actively pray for the Fruit of the Spirit to be abundant in me; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control I tend to be a better husband, father and all-around person. When I am less intentional about this and less intentional in a day about spending time in prayer or the word I can fill my cup with bad things. 

Of course, tiredness, stress and lack of sleep can make these struggles feel even stronger, especially in family life and big transition periods like newborns, starting school, or moving house. But they can also reveal areas where we need God's grace and help. If this is revealed, we really need to pray for wisdom in navigating a way forward.

What Do We Do When We Spill Over?

But what do we do when we spill over, what can we do?  Failure is not the end of the story. What matters is how we respond after we recognise it.

We can say sorry!

"Failure is not the end of the story. What matters is how we respond after we recognise it."

What Does Saying Sorry Look Like?

Saying sorry can feel hard. It means admitting we were wrong and out of line. We say sorry as a married couple and say sorry to children. Making it clear we got grumpy but that it is important to address issues and move forward. We must also say sorry to those outside the nuclear family when we have wronged them (this can often be much harder and is still something we are working a lot on). 

It is important that we can show examples of what a genuine apology sounds like. Apologising to children doesn't weaken authority; it can strengthen that bond by having hard conversations and showing vulnerability. 

A few examples:

• I am sorry for raising my voice at you, Daddy shouldn’t have done that.

• I am sorry for speaking harshly to you. I should have used kinder words.

• I am sorry for being impatient with you.

• I am sorry for snapping at you. That wasn’t loving.

• I am sorry for assuming the worst before listening properly. 

• I am sorry for not giving you my attention when you were talking to me. 

"Apologising to children doesn't weaken authority; it can strengthen that bond by having hard conversations and showing vulnerability."

We also have a thing in our house that when we do something wrong we try to say three things to Jesus: Sorry, Thank you for loving me and forgiving me, and I love you, Jesus. This is something as parents we try to stick to as well. These are not some rigid rules but help us realise that these behaviours do not just have an earthly impact, but also have a profound impact on God, who wants us to love one another.  

We also then try to hold hands and say the Lord’s Prayer together, remembering that we must forgive those who sin against us, just as God our Father forgives us. 

A Question to Reflect On

So what is filling your cup? 

A few reflective questions:

• What tends to spill out when life becomes difficult?

• Are there patterns in your reactions that God may be drawing your attention to?

• Is there someone in your family you need to apologise to today?