Navigating motherhood in an individualistic society: Postpartum

Looking after mothers

How can we help? Oh my goodness, we had no idea she was struggling so much! If only we had known and we could have done something to help. Just reach out if you need anything. How can we help?

Offers of help

Since giving birth to our 3rd little boy, we have had so many offers of help: a meal train set up for us, people dropping shopping off, friends holding the baby so we can sleep, taking our older 2 out to give us some time, housecleaning and vouchers to purchase meals when we hit those rainy days. We are extremely grateful for the community that has come to support us during this time and have felt covered in prayer and blessings from those who have asked, offered and followed through with actions of genuine intention.

Without meaning to sound ungrateful, we have also found it difficult that a number of offers of support have not gone beyond the initial offer. In addition, some people have asked what might help or what we need but have not followed through with any practical action. This has at times left us uncertain about what support is genuinely available. 

In such an individualistic society, we have experienced being on the opposite side, offering help and finding that people will decline help again and again. I think this makes it harder when it comes to needing help yourself to ask for it because you are aware that people who have been through something more difficult have not accepted the help they need. And yet, we have fought against the prideful flesh to not accept help as we know it could be detrimental to our family’s wellbeing. 

The blessing of community

So again, we have been incredibly blessed with friends and little pockets of the community who have gathered around us to uphold and support us in ways we cannot express enough thanks to God for their generosity with resources, time and love. There have even been a couple of people that we have only met a couple of times, who have given their time to reach out and help which has blown our minds! It has been a real outpouring of Jesus’ servant hearted nature well and truly alive in society and has given us glimmers of hope that real community does exist. However, there have been bits of our community who haven’t helped at all (and they would have been people who consider themselves close friends to us) which has really let us down. It has led to us thinking, if we have asked for help, how much of a crisis point needs to be met for people to take it seriously enough and would they actually be there if we needed them?

“Glimmers of hope that real community does exist”

We live in such a way that we put ourselves first so much of the time that we are unwilling to experience a little discomfort in our routines to help support someone who needs us. This has also been deeply convicting for us, leading us to reflect on whether we ourselves have always been willing to help where we can? Are there certain people we focus more on and miss out on those who might need our help? Maybe we need to start listening and actively asking people if there are ways we can support them both prayerfully and practically in their stage of life.

“Whether we ourselves have always been willing too help where we can?”

Perhaps one of the biggest lessons postpartum has taught us is that community cannot simply be spoken about; it has to be lived out through practical sacrifice, presence and consistency. In a culture that often values independence and self-sufficiency, motherhood has exposed just how deeply we all need one another. Not just in moments of crisis, but in the ordinary, exhausting and unseen parts of life too. As scripture states “It is not good that the man should be alone…” Genesis 2:18 (ESV), reminding us of the ever present need that we are made for community.

We are profoundly thankful for every person who has prayed, shown up, brought meals, sent messages, held babies, listened and served us with genuine love. Those acts, however small they may have seemed, reflected Christ to us in tangible ways. At the same time, this season has challenged us to consider how we respond when others are in need. Genuine community requires more than good intentions; it requires action, inconvenience and a willingness to carry one another’s burdens.

Maybe the question is not simply, “How can we help?” but also, “Are we willing to follow through when the answer comes?” mirroring 1 John 3:18 which says “Let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” Because often the greatest ministry is not found in grand gestures, but in faithfully showing up for one another in the small and ordinary moments of life. 

What has been your experience of support in the postpartum stage from family, friends, even strangers? Have you felt carried and loved? Do you feel you have been given time to heal and rest? Have your expectations matched up with those in your community? Have you asked for help or just waited for the offers to come in?

Do you feel you have been given time to heal and rest?

How could you help a family that is in a postpartum period?

1. Giving a couple of options that work for you

2. Organising a meal train (Take Them A Meal | Easily Organize Meal Schedules for Friends is a really good option for organising)

3. Offering to clean or tidy their house

4. Coming to help entertain other children

5. Holding the baby so mum and dad can sleep or spend quality time with older children 

6. If you can’t cook, offering to bring round a ready meal and put it in the oven, plate up for them or give them a bag of tasty snacks!

7. Ask if they need anything picking up from the shop

8. Giving a voucher for a takeaway, ordering a takeaway or vouchers for ready meals (e.g. Family Meals COOK)

9. Doing the laundry/dishes/any other cleaning

10. Bring some activities for older kids 

11. Offer to do a night shift by holding or wearing the baby between feeds, changing nappies, settling and burping the baby, and only bringing them to the parents when feeding is needed so that the parents can get some uninterrupted rest.